Tag Archives: thinking

Thanks, Dad!

First written and published in 1996, a previous version of this article won the “best story about fishing with Dad” award from the Northwoods Sporting Journal in 2007. It’s also a chapter to Small People — Big Brains by Mr. Boomsma. I remember this day often and especially on Father’s Day.  This year I thought I’d share it. 


“This shouldn’t be happening…” according to Ivan – my friend, father-in-law and erstwhile guide to Maine water. He wasn’t complaining though. I was otherwise occupied with my third bass in less than thirty minutes.

Ivan was my father-in-law by marriage. He was my friend by choice. We shared an understanding of the difference between “going fishing” and “catching fish.” We agreed that “going fishing” is as enjoyable as “catching fish.”

We had spent the morning fishing—working the edges of the pond with very little action. We were ready for some catching, so we dropped anchor, switched to ultra-lights, and started soaking night crawlers in anticipation of a few yellow perch.

This was proving mildly successful when the bass we had been after all morning started interfering with our perch fishing. No doubt a more technically oriented fisherman could explain what happened. We were satisfied with simply enjoying it until a fall storm forced us off the lake.

Later as we sat by the fire with our post-trip libations I found my mind wandering back to another time when something happened that shouldn’t have while fishing. It was a lesson that I never forgot.

My father was hooked on fishing. I think he waited until I was walking before he bought me my first pole. It was an unbreakable steel rod (not much action). The little stream that ran through our yard was never more than ankle deep. My ankles weren’t very far from terra firma at that age, so I was allowed to “go fishing” on my own. I lost a lot of hooks in that little brook. If Dad wasn’t around, I’d switch to a safety pin when my hooks were gone. I had to keep fishing. I had to be just like him.

I figured the reason he went across the road to the big river was to leave all the fish in the little brook for me. The fact that I never caught anything did nothing to dissuade me from the idea that Dad was the most unselfish person I knew. The reason he nearly always came home with trout was simply that he was bigger than I and had more experience. I didn’t truly appreciate his patience then as he tried to teach a bumbling, excited five-year-old the fine points of casting and bait placement.

Finally, he and Mom decided I was “big enough” to go with him across the road. My patience was strained to the maximum while we sat through Mom’s lecture about “keeping an eye on me.” My safety pin was removed and replaced with a real hook and off we went on my very first guided trip.

The river was overwhelming but not intimidating. I knew about currents from sailing my boats in the brook. Dad positioned me near a pool my five-year-old arms could reach. He reviewed casting techniques and suggested I just let my worm follow the current. I was warned not to tell Mom about it later, but he was going downstream where he knew there was a big one.

I could see that the techniques I’d been using weren’t going to work. On the little brook, I could always wade in and put my worm exactly where I wanted it. Now I was forced to cast a whole three feet and use nearly all my line. It took what seemed like an eternity to get the wrist action necessary.

On my fifteenth cast, I had that old familiar feeling that meant another lost hook. It wouldn’t do to lose it on my first trip to the big river. So I crossed my fingers (making it hard to hold the pole) and pulled hard. The worm and hook went flying over my shoulder. A little scared now; I realized I had to keep trying even though danger lurked below.

By the time I was reaching the current after only three false casts (false in this context meaning wrong), I was convinced that the bump I was feeling was a bite. Dad had described the feeling in intimate detail and even though I had never experienced it before, I was firmly convinced this was it.

Meanwhile Dad—either out of a desire to try different water or the memory of Mom’s lecture—was coming close. I wanted to watch how he got his line out so far, but I was too busty trying to nab my very first trout. Soon he was standing at my side. “Catching anything?”

I replied that I hadn’t yet, but was about to. He asked for my pole so he could see what was going on. His cast was flawless but his drift didn’t last any longer than mine. How long does it take for five feet of line to play out? He reeled in, handed me back the pole and announced, “Try the next pool. What you’re feeling is the bottom as your worm bumps along.” Then he moved upstream.

What a dilemma! Dad was always right and he always has my best interest at heart. But I was sure he was wrong this time. Or was he? Either way, would continuing to fish this pool be disobedient? If he saw me would he be hurt because I hadn’t listened? And why had he smiled if there was no fish there?

After this great inner battle, I invoked the standard just-a-little-longer logic of all fishermen. I concentrated so hard my head hurt. Cast. Bump. Nothing. Cast. Bump. Yank. Nothing. Cast Bump. Yank…
Something flew over my head that was bigger than my worm. I spun around and saw the trout flapping on the bank. It freed itself from my hook and was working its way back to the river! I pounced on it with a tackle that would make a football coach proud. As I wrestled with my monster I looked up and saw Dad watching. His grin went from ear-to-ear and maybe even around the back of his head. “Got one, did you? Well, I’m surprised! I haven’t caught a thing. Let’s take all eight inches of it home and show Mom.”

She never let on if she tired of hearing all the details of that fine catch. And she seemed genuinely amazed when Dad told her that I had showed him up because he was convinced there should not have been a fish where I caught mine.

Age has not diminished my love of fishing. I still get excited. I still make false (defined as wrong) casts. And I still use the just-a-little-longer theory. I’ve given up on safety pins though. And I wonder about my first trout.

I have a theory about that first trout. For years I was proud that I had figured out something Dad hadn’t and I told everyone who would listen. (And sometimes people who wouldn’t.) Like all fishing trips, my first trip to the big river has improved with time and my fish has gotten bigger. But I no longer think I outsmarted Dad.

I think he knew that trout was there.

And I think he knew what would happen when I caught it. For one, he knew that hooking that trout would hook me on fishing. More importantly,  he knew I’d learn by experience what independence and self reliance truly are. In fishing and in life there are always “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.” There will always be “reliable sources” and truths. But the greatest resource each of us has is inside us.

My resource was tested several years after catching my first trout when my Dad died. But then and through the many years since that resource has been there and, in a very real sense so has Dad. He guided me to my first trout and led me to believe in myself.

Thanks, Dad.


In memory of Walter Boomsma, Sr.
1926–1954

The Awkward Moment

We all have them; we all encounter them. If you attend one of my Suicide Awareness Programs, you’ll learn that one of my favorite questions is “Are you okay?” This four-minute video provides some insights into what can happen when the answer is “No.”

While the video does, in the end, encourage Mental Health First Aid training, I think it also makes the point that it’s not necessary to be a professional to be helpful. It’s mostly about listening, caring, and asking questions.

One “awkward” conversation I remember took place with someone I only knew casually. She just didn’t seem to be acting right, so I asked the question, “Are you okay?” She replied that she was not; she had just been diagnosed with stage four cancer. I asked her to tell me more and it was as though a floodgate had been opened. I said very little, acknowledging what she was saying and asking an occasional question.

Suddenly, she stopped–almost mid-sentence and said, “Most people don’t like talking about this.” I replied that it was not news I enjoyed hearing but that it seemed to me we needed to talk about it.” (Perhaps more accurately, she needed to talk about it.) We talked for about an hour about her feelings and plans. I really didn’t say much.

My point in telling the story is that “mental health” doesn’t mean crazy nor are conversations always going to be about suicide and depression. Sometimes it’s just about being a person and living with life challenges. We really can do a better job of helping each other, if only by listening, caring, and asking questions.

If you are interested in Mental Health First Aid training, you can click here for more information or let me know–I’ll be happy to help you locate a course.

Memorial Day, 2018

I’ll wait for the sun to come up before hanging out the flag, a personal tradition that marks the beginning of another Memorial Day.  Being a bit of a nostalgic person, it does not escape me that the name of this day is about “serving to preserve remembrance.” In that sense,  this day and the events it includes serve an important purpose and, serves important audiences.

Those with a need for precision point out that in the truest sense, Memorial Day is meant to remember and honor those who died while serving their county, whereas Veterans’ Day is meant to honor those who served but are still alive. I have no need for this precision because I’m sure we can never honor either group too much.

But I do think it’s important that we remember that Memorial Day serves us, the living, in addition to honoring those who gave all. We should be reminded that there are times when we may be called to give value to something greater than life itself. It is a sobering thought. What would I willing to die for?

Today we honor hundreds of thousands who answered that question and placed a higher value on something other than their own lives. When we see those stones with flags in front of them we can and should feel some sadness. But we should also celebrate the choices each of them made. The reasons may have been different for each but the reality is something became more important than staying alive.

We are all given the ability to make that choice, not all of us will have the opportunity.

For me, today has always been a day of both sadness and joy. I am sad that many gave their lives for something bigger than life itself. And yet I am grateful–happy is too strong a word–that so many have done so willingly.

When someone rushes into a burning building to save occupants… when a teacher places himself between a shooter and his students… there is cause to celebrate our humanity.  And whenever we put the needs of others above our own, we are demonstrating and celebrating our humanity. It can start small. Letting someone else go first through the intersection or ahead of us in the line at the grocery store just might be, at some level, heroic even though you don’t have to die to do it.

 

Mr. Boomsma’s Brag Book

Can’t resist posting this… The conference was actually a full day. In addition to an incredible keynote presentation about the value of storytelling in suicide prevention, I attended several breakout sessions. One was about the new season of 13 Reasons Why being released by NetFlix. Frankly, not much has changed about this, but it something parents of young teens should be aware of… another was about media reporting regarding suicide deaths, etc. I came away with some great resources!

I’m just finishing up the keynote presenter’s book “The Gospel According to Josh.” It’s an amazing story.  His blog doesn’t really do his story or his presentations justice, but it’s worth a visit:

http://www.joshuarivedal.com/

This five minute YouTube Video gives a sense of his story. But dig a little deeper and discover his “Changing Minds: A Mental Health Based Curriculum and The I’Mpossible Project.”

 

Happy Flowers, Angry Trees

One of the kids at school was having, by her own admission, a challenging and frustrating day last week. She shared with me a somewhat amusing but also very effective coping mechanism that involved “centering” herself with a mantra announcing she was a happy flower and not an angry tree. This was accompanied by appropriate hand signals that mocked a blossoming flower.  I love that she recognizes she has the power of choice.

I’ve also come to truly love her analogy and metaphor. I’d like to use it to share some thoughts regarding the recent tragedy resulting in the loss of Corporal Cole’s life.

Let me first assure you, that incident turned me into a bit of angry tree as it did so many.  You do not have to spend much time on Facebook to realize that anger and frustration were common emotions. One of the things we “like” about social media is the feeling of “shared emotions.”

You also do not have to spend much time on Facebook to be somewhat frightened by the depth of those emotions–some bordering on pure rage. I am both surprised and not surprised at some of the suggestions being posted, many seeking revenge. There are many angry trees with roots that run deep and, in some cases, border on violent in and of themselves.

As someone who works with kids a lot, I am troubled by the example we often set on social media.  When I read some of the comments regarding what should happen to John Williams, the alleged killer of Corporal Cole, I find myself wondering if these people and their comments truly represent the society we live in and, more importantly, the society we hope our kids will create.

But then  I stumble on to a post by a Mom I know in a different part of the state. She announces that she and her daughter are headed to the local police station with a note written by her daughter and some accompanying “treats.” Since it was posted publicly I’ve taken the liberty of sharing the note after “erasing” Delaney’s last name–I’m a bit OCD about confidentiality where kids are concerned.

She is, I think, going to create–maybe already is creating–the sort of society I would like to be part of, one with lots of “happy” flowers.

How about you?