Category Archives: Communication

Communication, Mental Hygiene, Personal Growth

You’re Not busy, are you?

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I haven’t counted but I do know I’ve heard a lot of people whining lately about how busy they are. Perhaps I’ve done my fair share, although I try not to, partly because of a bias I developed a few years ago when I was asked by a client to teach “time management.” Since I believe prescription without diagnosis is malpractice in medicine, management, and education, I took a look at what was going on in his organization.

My conclusion was that time management wasn’t the issue. Priority management was the issue. The corporate culture had developed an unintended value that appearing overworked and stressed was important. I joked that most employees appeared to be too busy to do any meaningful work.

There’s an old joke about the company president who issued the memorandum that “We will keep having meetings until we figure out why nothing is getting done.” Talk about confusing activity with accomplishment!

I suppose it’s always been true but lately, it seems like being busy equates to some sort of badge of honor. The busier you are, the bigger and shinier badge you get to wear. I think it’s contagious. I know it’s competitive.

If you’re a social media buff, see how many timeline posts you can find claiming, “Well, I don’t have much to do…” Contrast that with those who are compelled to report their entire day’s schedule. It has a humorous aspect. “Gee, I’m so busy I barely had time to find these cute cat/puppy pictures to share.”

I’m sorry to say, I’m not impressed by busyness, particularly when it becomes a reason (excuse) for failure to do something others are depending on. I know several people who actually will spend a lot of time explaining how busy they are and how much they have to do and how sorry they are they haven’t gotten to… I bite my tongue so I don’t observe out loud they could have crossed a few things off the list in the time they spent telling me their story.

I had the good fortune to attend a few lectures by Ned Hermann back in the late ’80s. Ned was a true pioneer in the field of creative thinking and reasoning. He was also a great storyteller. In one of his lectures, he was explaining “theta” — those low-frequency brain waves associated with the early stages of sleep and the process of dreaming. They are also associated with enhanced creativity. He shared that he was sitting in his recliner, pushed back and relaxed, consciously entering a theta-like state. When his wife called to him to take out the trash he replied, “Can’t now… I’m working.”

I don’t think it would have been any less true if he’d said, “Can’t now… I’m busy.” What might appear as “doing nothing” may have great value. It really is about value.

Busy is about being engaged–it’s not about being overworked and overwhelmed. Busy is not a bad thing when it means the busy person is anxious to contribute and is seeking action.

The question we may need to ask ourselves occasionally is whether or not we are busy (engaged) with things that are truly important. How we decide importance may be a different topic for a different day. For now, let’s agree being busy for the sake of being busy isn’t effective or efficient. When we think we’re too busy to do certain things, we’re really saying those things aren’t important. Or at least they aren’t important enough to make time and find the energy for along with the other stuff.

It sounds rude, but I’ve found myself wishing people would be more honest and offer the explanation, “That’s not something I’m willing to make important right now.” Being honest might be as important as being busy.

I don’t care how busy I am – I will always make time for what’s most important to me.

Kevin Hart
Big Brains, Causes and Friends, Communication, Just for Fun, Learning, Small People

Winning by Losing

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A small gaggle of middle school girls approached me somewhat shyly. They know whining isn’t allowed in my classroom but we weren’t at school, we were at the Guilford River Festival. I suspect they also would have claimed what they were doing was actually begging, not whining.

For those who don’t know, the Guilford River Festival is a truly awesome annual event that’s extremely family and kid-friendly. There’s lots of free stuff–my job was to hand out free balloons to kids–and fun stuff. The girls were offering a competition based on a game we sometimes play at school. “Are you smarter than a PCMS student?” They were having trouble getting contestants and begged me to visit their set up and play.

When I arrived, the girls and their game host immediately disappeared to “strategize,” triggering a certain amount of suspicion in my mind. Upon returning, they all had a noticeable “cat that swallowed the canary” look.

The game host explained the rules and process carefully and quickly. I think I heard him say that the game was “only slightly rigged.” I would be competing against the girls but I had the first chance to answer the questions. If I answered the question wrong, they could “take the point” by answering correctly, proving they were smarter.

The questions were of a historical nature and not too difficult but my suspicions were at an all-time high so I thought long and hard before answering. I could almost hear the clock ticking and the music playing. The first question required a date for an answer. When I answered, the game host declared “wrong!” and the girls went into a huddle. After some whispering, the shouted an answer in unison. “Billy Bob!”

“Correct!” Since the audience was small, the girls provided most of the applause.

The second question required a person’s name for an answer and I admitted I was tempted to answer “Billy Bob,” but went with what I was sure was correct. Again, my answer was declared wrong. Again after huddling the girls answered nonsensically and were declared correct.

I suppose some would have felt cheated but I found myself laughing and having fun. Maybe it wasn’t about the questions. Remember, the original question was “Are you smarter than a PCMS student?” It was becoming clear that I was not–they were outsmarting me.

The process continued with the girls winning all the points and me being skunked. It was at that point the game show host indicated I shouldn’t go away empty-handed and presented me with the pictured t-shirt. My response was genuine: “This is definitely worth losing for.”

I may be risking over-analysis but the experience left me not only laughing but also thinking. Winning and losing are words and people give meaning to words–it’s not the other way around. Sometimes we win when we lose. I’ll enjoy that shirt and the memory of losing to a gaggle of giggling girls who did, in fact, outsmart me. So thanks to the girls and Herrick Excavation for hosting and sponsoring the contest I won by losing.

Big Brains, Big Hearts, Causes and Friends, Communication, Just for Fun, Learning, Small People, Substitute Teaching

Twas the week before Christmas…

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I count myself fortunate when I get to spend some time at school with the kids as Christmas approaches. Admittedly, it can be a bit crazy as energy levels are high and the kids are “wound up.” But I try to enjoy their energy and stay focused on the tasks at hand.

One of the questions I had during my most recent assignment was a bit different. “Mr. Boomsma, how do you make the letter “o” in cursive?” It’s not as easy to answer as one might think but I share it for those who complain the schools aren’t teaching cursive any more. (It turned out the question was actually about the little “hooky thing” that connects it to the next letter.)

The second question was a bit more difficult. A fifth grade boy was not kidding–the question was sincere. “Mr. Boomsma, is Santa Claus real?”

Fortunately, his neighbor interceded, assuring him that Santa Claus was very real. She’d seen him and told the story of her sighting in great detail. However, I should have known I wasn’t off the hook. He looked at me and asked, “Have YOU seen him?” The look on the girl seemed to say they’d both like some assurance.

I’d recently read the news story of a substitute teacher who was ultimately terminated after telling a first-grade class that Santa Claus isn’t real. So like the cursive question, this is not quite as simple as it might first seem.

If it wasn’t Christmas Eve, we might explore several techniques one can use when asked a difficult question. I answered his question by telling him and his seatmate a story, emphasizing it was absolutely true. I will share it with you.

When I was about six, I began to question Santa’s existence. Some of the kids I went to school with were quite convinced “your parents are Santa.” As luck would have it, we were having a “green Christmas” without a hint of snow. So our spirits were dampened and it was easy to believe in something less magical and fun.

To fully appreciate what happened, I need to explain that we lived in a very small town, miles away from any airports or flight paths. We rarely saw or heard planes.

That Christmas Eve announced to my Dad that I was pretty sure there was no such thing as Santa Claus. I reached this conclusion primarily based on the fact there was no snow. His sleigh wouldn’t work.

Since there was no question to answer, my Dad stated, in a rather matter-of-fact tone, “Oh, he comes in a helicopter when there’s no snow.” I was then sent outside to do one of my nightly chores.

It was not the first time I found myself truly torn. I could usually figure out when Dad was teasing but I believed with all my heart that he would never lie to me. Still, his explanation somehow didn’t feel right and I couldn’t detect that little smile that gave him away when he was teasing or joking. It was quiet and cold outside. I wondered if I should continue the conversation when I returned to the warmth inside.

While I was contemplating this, I heard a noise off in the distance… “whomp, whomp,..” Omigod! A helicopter! It flew right over my head, very low, lights flashing! I hurriedly finished my chore, ran back into the house, climbed the stairs two at a time and jumped into bed with my clothes on, pulling the covers up to my neck and pretending to be asleep.

The kids at school seemed to enjoy my story and accepted it at face value. So do I. I don’t really know where that helicopter came from and why it flew over our house at precisely that moment. But I do know that I learned some things about the magic of Christmas and the importance of believing.

Telling the story reminded of another person who was asked almost the same question. In 1897, Francis Pharcellus Church, a former Civil War correspondent and editor at the New York Sun, received a letter from the then 8-year-old Virginia O’Hanlon questioning Santa’s existence. His answer is not just for kids. It speaks to the innocent joy of childhood and the power of belief. There’s a link at the bottom of this post. It’s important to read it.

My wish for you this Christmas is that you too might hear a helicopter… or hear or experience whatever it takes to help you believe in all of the things Christmas is supposed to be about.

Yes, Virginia, there is a santa claus
Causes and Friends, Communication, Mental Health, Personal Growth, Suicide Prevention

It’s Really Not About You!

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Every Suicide Awareness and Prevention Workshop seems to have something special about it. Our most recent was attended by a thirteen-year-old girl who, when she found out her Mom was attending, asked if she could tag along. That of itself is pretty impressive but this young lady was an enthusiastic attendee with some real insights.

An important part of the workshop is a discussion of what works and what doesn’t when dealing with someone who might be suicidal. Since we’d been talking about social media, I naturally ended up mentioning a post that I’ve seen all too often on Facebook. When I described it, my thirteen-year-old student immediately looked shocked and blurted, “That’s selfish!” I think my mouth dropped open a bit as I contemplated the fact that this young girl “gets it.”

We agreed that people sharing the post are well-intended but as is often the case on social media they are clicking without thinking.  As even my young friend seemed to understand, when someone is contemplating suicide, we really shouldn’t try to make it about us.

Furthermore, we know that when someone reaches the point where they are considering suicide, their thinking is affected and they are so wrapped into their own pain that consideration for others is nearly non-existent. If we really thought about it, does it make much sense to try to get that person to think about the pain he or she is going to cause us? As my young friend pointed out, “that just adds to their stress.” Personally, I would go so far as to say that statements like this trivialize the pain. It’s akin to saying, “Ha! You think you’ve got it bad? The pain you have is nothing compared to the pain I will have if you take your own life.”

Understand, I am not minimizing the pain we feel when someone we care deeply for completes a suicide. I have experienced that pain.

I am, however, deeply committed to the truth that we need to set our own potential pain aside if we want to be truly helpful to a human who is, almost literally, at the end of his or her rope.

We are probably motivated by what we teach in the workshop as the first step in an intervention with someone who may be suicidal. “Show you care.” But there are far more positive ways to do that than announcing how much we are going to suffer if the person chooses to end his or her life. For starters, we might try saying “I care what happens to you…”

Hanging up signs is not a bad thing. Some bridges have signs with the hotline number and phones with a direct connection. That’s demonstrating care because it encourages connection.

Human connection can seem complicated and difficult but it can be simple. It might start with a smile followed by genuine interest and some basic questions like “Are you okay?” If there’s any magic involved, it’s that we create the best human connections when we are genuinely interested in the other person.

My young workshop participant didn’t really talk about how much pain the issue of suicide caused her. She asked to attend so she would know how to help people. She had the courage to “role play” with me while I pretended to be suicidal.

I’ve written previously how, after every one of these workshops, I say to myself, “We have likely saved a life tonight.” I truly believe that. But I didn’t say exactly that after this most recent workshop. This time I said to myself, “That girl is going to save a life someday–probably more than one.”

Are you ready to do the same?

Communication, Mental Health, Mental Hygiene, Personal Growth, Suicide Prevention

13 Reasons Why, Season Two…

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There’s plenty of uncertainty about it but NetFlix appears to be planning a release of Season Two of the 13 Reasons Why series soon. As a result, it’s likely some teens and young adults will be rewatching season one–or possibly even watching it for the first time.

While this book and the resulting series need not be feared, those of us who are actively promoting suicide awareness and prevention are at least mildly disturbed that 13RW might seem to glorify suicide and, to quote an article written by a psychiatrist for the JED Foundation, “The suicide is graphically depicted, the young woman who dies is memorialized in unhelpful ways, the suicide seemingly results directly from the misdeeds perpetrated against her by others and Hannah is portrayed as a long suffering victim who, by her death, is taking vengeance on those who have wronged her.”

I’ve read the book. It’s not exactly an uplifting story.

However, knowledge is power. The consensus is that younger teens should not watch the show alone, although that may be unpreventable. It’s most important to be prepared to talk about the story and suicide.  For every “Hannah Story” there are other stories with different choices and happier endings.

One of the values of 13RW may be the dialog it creates and the opportunity to consider how we help one another through life. I’ve devoted a .  Several parents have told me they found the 13RW Talking points particularly helpful and have used them to have conversations with their children. There are also resources for teachers and school counselors.

If nothing else, please read the brief overview and specific recommendations published by the JED Foundation.

The message most missed by 13RW is that help is available. If you have any specific questions or concerns, please feel free to contact me.  And do not hesitate to contact a hotline/lifeline.

PS… I will be teaching a at the Guilford United Methodist Church on Tuesday, April 24, 2018. All are welcome!