Tag Archives: problem solving

Personal Growth, Simple Living

He Done Me Wrong

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The Guilford Register
This article appeared in the July Issue of The Guilford Register.

Getting a fresh start sometimes means letting go of a grudge. I recall watching a friend’s relationship with his daughter-in-law go bad. Of course, I only heard one side of the story, so I was spared the agony of having to arbitrate and was able to focus on how my friend was coping with the situation.

At one point, he admitted that several people suggested he apologize to diffuse the anger and tension. He said, “I can’t do that. It would be like the victim apologizing to the mugger.” In his opinion, he’d been tragically wronged, and it just didn’t make sense to do anything except be hurt and angry.

His analogy of being mugged intrigued me since I was mugged at gunpoint some years ago. While it didn’t destroy me, the experience did exact a toll. For some time, I was a bit paranoid in parking lots at night. If a car approached, I instinctively tensed. And I carried around more hurt, fear, and anger than I realized for a while.

Then it dawned on me that my own feelings about the incident made me more of a victim than the actual robbery. (In much the same way, my friend’s feelings are making him the victim. It would appear the guilty party is not living in constant agony and hurt. If what my friend says is true, she’s actually quite happy to be rid of him and is probably taking great pleasure in his pain.)

In situations like these, it pays to keep things simple and approach them with a certain lack of passion. Most people would say I had every right to feel the way I did—we do have laws against that sort of thing. But the fact remained that those feelings were getting me nowhere.

They were actually limiting me and making me miserable. I considered what I contributed. I did provide him with an opportunity. Yes, rationally, one should be able to walk through a parking lot at night, but there are risks, and I chose to take them. In that regard, I suppose I “shared the blame” for what happened. The simple physics is that every criminal needs a victim. So while I don’t take all the responsibility for his choices and actions, I’m “sorry” for giving him a temptation he, in his weakness, couldn’t resist. (I’m not real sorry—just a little.)

My most important contribution came after the robbery. That’s when “I done me wrong.” I doubt that he intended to make me paranoid, angry, and fearful. He simply wanted my money. The rest of the stuff was, more accurately, “my fault.” In the long term, I was making myself the victim. His power and control over me only lasted for those few minutes he had the gun pointed my way. When he and his gun were gone, so was his influence. Once I realized the effect of the incident, my thoughts about him changed dramatically.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve totally forgiven the guy. He was eventually caught after several more robberies and beating up an elderly couple. I was more than willing to go to court, but not to apologize to him. My fresh start was not about forgiveness and apology. (Many times, apologies are in order when incidents escalate and things are subsequently said and done in anger and frustration.) Most fresh starts are about what is controlling us.

A fresh start doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind and putting oneself in jeopardy. I can deal with this guy. I’d actually be willing to meet him again. But probably not in a dark parking lot.

Getting a fresh start means focusing on the future and what you can control. It doesn’t matter where you are. What matters is where you are going next. Life’s too short to be a victim of your own fear or grudge or anger.

Personal Growth

Mr. Boomsma, You Need to Focus!

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Picture a second grader with a scholarly pair of glasses that tilt as kids often do; an appropriate lack of front teeth revealed by a smile reflecting a sense of accomplishment. We’d just finished reading a book together. She’d read flawlessly.

When we stood to return to her classroom, another class of young scholars entered the library. They were calling out greetings as they passed, and this served as a distraction as I attempted to push my
chair under the table. I didn’t notice that I wasn’t succeeding because the chair simply didn’t fit.

After watching me in frustration for a while, she placed her hands on either side of her face, mimicking the blinders horses wear. “Mr. Boomsma, you need to focus!”

I chuckled at the maturity with which she attempted to resolve my problem and teach me a lesson. I thought I was busy. She rightly recognized I wasn’t busy. I just wasn’t doing such a good job of handling the multiple priorities I had unconsciously selected.

It’s at least interesting that a seven-year-old had that insight. Many people observing the situation would have thought I looked busy. But had I focused on any one of the tasks at hand, I would most certainly have succeeded. All I was really trying to do was push in my chair, keep track of my reader friend, and acknowledge some other friends arriving on the scene. Like walking and chewing gum at the same time, these were manageable tasks.

More than a decade has passed since she taught me that lesson, and I still use her gesture to remind myself to focus. Occasionally, I use it with others. She is, after all, correct. Most people who complain about being busy just need to focus.

The flip side of this is the claim, “Be patient! I can only do one thing at a time.”

Really?

Let’s see. I’m usually doing lots of things at a time. I’m thinking, writing, breathing… My heart is pumping. I’m somewhat aware of some folks nearby talking… I didn’t really think about it, but I’m really quite busy.

Fortunately, I’m also fairly focused. If not, I could become very stressed over everything I am handling. What if I forget to breathe? Now I need to sneeze. I’m so busy! I can’t take on another thing!

Having told on myself (and had some fun), I can perhaps reveal that I suspect many people who complain about being “busy” just aren’t focusing. Our wonderful brains do take care of a lot of this for us, but we also have the ability to manage our attention. When we don’t use that ability, not only does our stress increase, but our “situational awareness” decreases. I didn’t notice my chair didn’t fit because I was stressed. I was stressed because I wasn’t focused. It became about everything, and that meant it was actually about nothing.

Note, however, there’s an opposite problem when we become too focused. I wouldn’t call it obsessive compulsive. I think it’s more about target fixation. During WW II, pilots would sometimes become so focused on their target that they’d forget to release the bomb and pull out of the dive. They’d lose perspective and crash into the target.

Somewhere between focusing and being aware of one’s surroundings, there’s a sweet spot with a balance. But you don’t find it without looking.

It might be under the table where the chair doesn’t fit!

Just for Fun, Maine Life, Personal Growth

When Things Go Wrong

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interior of car cabin in daylight
Photo by Erik Mclean on Pexels.com

For those who don’t know, a turkey that was either dumb or destructive flew into the front of my truck, damaging the grill. (One of the best jokes was about having grilled turkey.) Shortly thereafter, my check engine light came on.

My friend Mary was suggesting some “do-it-yourself” repairs. When I noted the glowing light was a complication, she responded that it was in line with neuroplasticity. (Neuroplasticity is the brain’s amazing ability to change, reorganize, and adapt its structure and function throughout life in response to new experiences, learning, or injuries.) We do have some interesting dialogues.

She’s correct. The check engine light may be focused on the memory. The truck’s simply saying, “Ow! I got hit, and it hurt!”

Some quick research indicates that without an OBD scanner, the best way to reset the check engine light is to disconnect the battery for 20-30 minutes. We might call that electroshock therapy, now called electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), and still used today, with a claimed 60% to 80% success rate with people. (I’m not sure what the rate is with cars.

It also sounds a bit like Windows Software. When things stop working, simply turn it off and back on. It’s interesting that this hard reset also has a 60% to 80% success rate of fixing minor glitches, performance lags, and system unresponsiveness.

We might be on to something. We are already thinking of AI programs as if they were people. “I’ll ask Claude! (ClaudeGPT).” To what extent are people (at least in some respects) like AI programs?

A “hard reset” could change the way we’re thinking. Problem-solving could be just that simple.