Tag Archives: problem solving

Amish Life, Causes and Friends, Simple Living

Laughing with the Amish

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A recent visit with an Amish (Swartzentruber) friend included some major laughs. She had some recently hand-laundered towels hanging out to dry. I noted that they were quite colorful but assured her that I wouldn’t tell the bishop.

The bigger laugh came while we were discussing some purchases I might make for her in my travels. In the course of making sure I understood her needs, I said, “Well, I can always call you if I have questions.” She, of course, knew I was teasing and, for some reason, found it funny! We occasionally have serious conversations about her faith and practice, so she knows I’m not trying to lead her astray. She appreciates my concern, but also finds it humorous.

During one such conversation, I had some brand new sheets to offer her, but ,I noted they were printed, which conservative Amish shun as to showy. We opened the package together to examine them. She noted they were only printed on one side, so she could turn them inside out! Some would call that a workaround.

I’ll admit that I don’t always understand the reasoning behind the “rules,” but I’m learning. I’m also coming to admire the thinking and creativity behind both the rules and the workarounds.

That sheet-turning trick stuck with me — a simple, clever solution to a real constraint. I found another one recently on the Amish America Blog: The Amish “Black Box Phone.” Erik Wesner does a nice job of explaining the workaround and the thinking behind it. At least one point is that the Amish think about things we Englisch (non-Amish) tend to take for granted.

Where we run on autopilot, collectively the Amish stick to flying their own plane. That’s not a great metaphor because most conservative Amish do not use air travel.

My Amish friend doesn’t criticize me for the decisions I make. I usually enjoy the ones she does. We’ve built a relationship that allows for some teasing and, more importantly, creates respect for each other’s thinking and practice. We also laugh a lot.

I like that it’s just that simple.

The Amish “Black Box” Phone: The Device They Built to Keep Big Tech Out
People and Community, Personal Growth, Simple Living

You’re Not Angry, Are You?

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One of the more “touristy” things we did while in Canada a few years ago was to visit the Alexander Graham Bell Museum in Baddeck, Nova Scotia. For the record, it’s a beautiful and extremely educational spot. When we entered the building and approached the ticket desk, a tour member slipped in front of us to approach the bright and chipper “ranger” (the museum is a provincial park). She began peppering Ranger Rachel (not her real name) with questions, requests, and observations that were actually demands.

Photo of Park Ranger

Ranger Rachel kept her composure throughout, even while it was apparent that Terry Tourist was, for the most part, not really listening and unlikely to be satisfied with anything Ranger Rachel said or did. Since we were on vacation and in no real hurry, I attempted to see the humor in it. When Terry Tourist ran out of steam and left, I approached the counter wearing my best international diplomatic smile.

Allowing her body to noticeably relax, Ranger Rachel sighed, “Why is everyone so angry this morning?” My guard was down, and I said, “I’ll bet you’ve dealt mostly with Americans today.” To her diplomatic credit, she didn’t confirm or deny my suspicion. We did, however, briefly discuss attitudes in general and tourists in particular.

It wasn’t until later I realized my spontaneous response reflected an unconscious observation I’d been recording. We encountered a lot less anger in Canada, at least among Canadians. And, with the possible exception of Terry Tourist, it seemed contagious. It’s hard to be angry with someone who is smiling and being nice. Or at least it should be.

Sure, it was a vacation, and I was probably wearing my rose-tinted (not as strong as rose-colored) glasses. But I’m convinced Canada–at least in the provinces we were in–is a happier and more relaxed place. Heck, even the Canadian Facebook Groups and Pages I visited and interacted with were friendly and peaceful. (Conversely, when I posted a photo on my timeline about a Canadian Ale I found quite tasty, it didn’t take long for a comment to appear stating that all beer is rotten stuff, etc., and accusing me of encouraging people to ruin their lives.)

I don’t doubt for a minute that something in the commenter’s past influenced his thinking. But I am struggling to understand why he’s so angry, because that anger will have a greater negative effect on him than a pint of Canadian Ale. I was tempted to reply, “Don’t worry, I won’t buy you one.” I suspect he would not have seen the humor in that.

Ranger Rachel’s question stuck with me longer than the museum tour itself did. “Why is everyone so angry this morning?” She meant tourists at a ticket counter, but the more I turned it over, the more it seemed like a fair question about the rest of us too — Terry Tourist, beer-guy, plenty of people I follow online who seem to be one honest opinion away from a fight.

Why are we so angry? I do think part of the answer lies in society’s tendency to engage in victim-thinking. It’s easy to blame someone or something for any unhappiness or difficulties that come our way. Lots of energy goes into figuring out who to blame that might be better spent figuring out how to solve the problem.

From victimhood, it’s not a big leap to feeling that everyone and everything is against us. Once we’re there, it becomes very easy to feel abused and hopeless. Sometimes when we’ve had enough, we become vicious in word and, potentially, in action. That viciousness can be directed towards ourselves as well as others.

There’s some science involved. Anger often arises when we face perceived threats or injustices, and the brain’s amygdala activates the “fight or flight” response. Note the word “perceived” in that sentence. While the amygdala gets us ready to fight, the prefrontal cortex is yelling, “Wait a minute! Is this threat real or at least manageable?”

The amygdala often wins. In scientific terms, we’re angry and ready for the fight. Instead, we could engage in some uniquely human neurological regulation and evaluate the context of the situation. We could end up suppressing the anger in favor of more socially acceptable behavior.

Eleanor Roosevelt in This Is My Story observed, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think she’d agree that “No one can make you feel angry without your consent.”

There is no logical reason for us to be victimized by our feelings. How we choose to respond to situations and people is well within our realm of choices. Anger is not the only option.

I still don’t have a good answer for Ranger Rachel. But I suspect she already knows: nobody made those tourists angry that morning. They brought it with them.

Knowing that, you aren’t angry, are you?

Personal Growth, Simple Living

When Things Go Wrong…

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I had the occasion to share this poem with a friend yesterday. It seems appropriate to share it more widely! It was written by Edgar Guest and published in the Detroit Free Press (March 4, 1921). This poem is now in the public domain.

Reaching for the stars means not giving up.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
And the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than it seems
To a faint and faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up when he
Might have captured the victor’s cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit.
It’s when things seem worst that
You mustn’t quit.

Personal Growth, Simple Living

He Done Me Wrong

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The Guilford Register
This article appeared in the July Issue of The Guilford Register.

Getting a fresh start sometimes means letting go of a grudge. I recall watching a friend’s relationship with his daughter-in-law go bad. Of course, I only heard one side of the story, so I was spared the agony of having to arbitrate and was able to focus on how my friend was coping with the situation.

At one point, he admitted that several people suggested he apologize to diffuse the anger and tension. He said, “I can’t do that. It would be like the victim apologizing to the mugger.” In his opinion, he’d been tragically wronged, and it just didn’t make sense to do anything except be hurt and angry.

His analogy of being mugged intrigued me since I was mugged at gunpoint some years ago. While it didn’t destroy me, the experience did exact a toll. For some time, I was a bit paranoid in parking lots at night. If a car approached, I instinctively tensed. And I carried around more hurt, fear, and anger than I realized for a while.

Then it dawned on me that my own feelings about the incident made me more of a victim than the actual robbery. (In much the same way, my friend’s feelings are making him the victim. It would appear the guilty party is not living in constant agony and hurt. If what my friend says is true, she’s actually quite happy to be rid of him and is probably taking great pleasure in his pain.)

In situations like these, it pays to keep things simple and approach them with a certain lack of passion. Most people would say I had every right to feel the way I did—we do have laws against that sort of thing. But the fact remained that those feelings were getting me nowhere.

They were actually limiting me and making me miserable. I considered what I contributed. I did provide him with an opportunity. Yes, rationally, one should be able to walk through a parking lot at night, but there are risks, and I chose to take them. In that regard, I suppose I “shared the blame” for what happened. The simple physics is that every criminal needs a victim. So while I don’t take all the responsibility for his choices and actions, I’m “sorry” for giving him a temptation he, in his weakness, couldn’t resist. (I’m not real sorry—just a little.)

My most important contribution came after the robbery. That’s when “I done me wrong.” I doubt that he intended to make me paranoid, angry, and fearful. He simply wanted my money. The rest of the stuff was, more accurately, “my fault.” In the long term, I was making myself the victim. His power and control over me only lasted for those few minutes he had the gun pointed my way. When he and his gun were gone, so was his influence. Once I realized the effect of the incident, my thoughts about him changed dramatically.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve totally forgiven the guy. He was eventually caught after several more robberies and beating up an elderly couple. I was more than willing to go to court, but not to apologize to him. My fresh start was not about forgiveness and apology. (Many times, apologies are in order when incidents escalate and things are subsequently said and done in anger and frustration.) Most fresh starts are about what is controlling us.

A fresh start doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind and putting oneself in jeopardy. I can deal with this guy. I’d actually be willing to meet him again. But probably not in a dark parking lot.

Getting a fresh start means focusing on the future and what you can control. It doesn’t matter where you are. What matters is where you are going next. Life’s too short to be a victim of your own fear or grudge or anger.

Personal Growth

Mr. Boomsma, You Need to Focus!

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Picture a second grader with a scholarly pair of glasses that tilt as kids often do; an appropriate lack of front teeth revealed by a smile reflecting a sense of accomplishment. We’d just finished reading a book together. She’d read flawlessly.

When we stood to return to her classroom, another class of young scholars entered the library. They were calling out greetings as they passed, and this served as a distraction as I attempted to push my
chair under the table. I didn’t notice that I wasn’t succeeding because the chair simply didn’t fit.

After watching me in frustration for a while, she placed her hands on either side of her face, mimicking the blinders horses wear. “Mr. Boomsma, you need to focus!”

I chuckled at the maturity with which she attempted to resolve my problem and teach me a lesson. I thought I was busy. She rightly recognized I wasn’t busy. I just wasn’t doing such a good job of handling the multiple priorities I had unconsciously selected.

It’s at least interesting that a seven-year-old had that insight. Many people observing the situation would have thought I looked busy. But had I focused on any one of the tasks at hand, I would most certainly have succeeded. All I was really trying to do was push in my chair, keep track of my reader friend, and acknowledge some other friends arriving on the scene. Like walking and chewing gum at the same time, these were manageable tasks.

More than a decade has passed since she taught me that lesson, and I still use her gesture to remind myself to focus. Occasionally, I use it with others. She is, after all, correct. Most people who complain about being busy just need to focus.

The flip side of this is the claim, “Be patient! I can only do one thing at a time.”

Really?

Let’s see. I’m usually doing lots of things at a time. I’m thinking, writing, breathing… My heart is pumping. I’m somewhat aware of some folks nearby talking… I didn’t really think about it, but I’m really quite busy.

Fortunately, I’m also fairly focused. If not, I could become very stressed over everything I am handling. What if I forget to breathe? Now I need to sneeze. I’m so busy! I can’t take on another thing!

Having told on myself (and had some fun), I can perhaps reveal that I suspect many people who complain about being “busy” just aren’t focusing. Our wonderful brains do take care of a lot of this for us, but we also have the ability to manage our attention. When we don’t use that ability, not only does our stress increase, but our “situational awareness” decreases. I didn’t notice my chair didn’t fit because I was stressed. I was stressed because I wasn’t focused. It became about everything, and that meant it was actually about nothing.

Note, however, there’s an opposite problem when we become too focused. I wouldn’t call it obsessive compulsive. I think it’s more about target fixation. During WW II, pilots would sometimes become so focused on their target that they’d forget to release the bomb and pull out of the dive. They’d lose perspective and crash into the target.

Somewhere between focusing and being aware of one’s surroundings, there’s a sweet spot with a balance. But you don’t find it without looking.

It might be under the table where the chair doesn’t fit!