Category Archives: Simple Living

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Personal Growth, Simple Living

He Done Me Wrong

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The Guilford Register
This article appeared in the July Issue of The Guilford Register.

Getting a fresh start sometimes means letting go of a grudge. I recall watching a friend’s relationship with his daughter-in-law go bad. Of course, I only heard one side of the story, so I was spared the agony of having to arbitrate and was able to focus on how my friend was coping with the situation.

At one point, he admitted that several people suggested he apologize to diffuse the anger and tension. He said, “I can’t do that. It would be like the victim apologizing to the mugger.” In his opinion, he’d been tragically wronged, and it just didn’t make sense to do anything except be hurt and angry.

His analogy of being mugged intrigued me since I was mugged at gunpoint some years ago. While it didn’t destroy me, the experience did exact a toll. For some time, I was a bit paranoid in parking lots at night. If a car approached, I instinctively tensed. And I carried around more hurt, fear, and anger than I realized for a while.

Then it dawned on me that my own feelings about the incident made me more of a victim than the actual robbery. (In much the same way, my friend’s feelings are making him the victim. It would appear the guilty party is not living in constant agony and hurt. If what my friend says is true, she’s actually quite happy to be rid of him and is probably taking great pleasure in his pain.)

In situations like these, it pays to keep things simple and approach them with a certain lack of passion. Most people would say I had every right to feel the way I did—we do have laws against that sort of thing. But the fact remained that those feelings were getting me nowhere.

They were actually limiting me and making me miserable. I considered what I contributed. I did provide him with an opportunity. Yes, rationally, one should be able to walk through a parking lot at night, but there are risks, and I chose to take them. In that regard, I suppose I “shared the blame” for what happened. The simple physics is that every criminal needs a victim. So while I don’t take all the responsibility for his choices and actions, I’m “sorry” for giving him a temptation he, in his weakness, couldn’t resist. (I’m not real sorry—just a little.)

My most important contribution came after the robbery. That’s when “I done me wrong.” I doubt that he intended to make me paranoid, angry, and fearful. He simply wanted my money. The rest of the stuff was, more accurately, “my fault.” In the long term, I was making myself the victim. His power and control over me only lasted for those few minutes he had the gun pointed my way. When he and his gun were gone, so was his influence. Once I realized the effect of the incident, my thoughts about him changed dramatically.

I can’t honestly say that I’ve totally forgiven the guy. He was eventually caught after several more robberies and beating up an elderly couple. I was more than willing to go to court, but not to apologize to him. My fresh start was not about forgiveness and apology. (Many times, apologies are in order when incidents escalate and things are subsequently said and done in anger and frustration.) Most fresh starts are about what is controlling us.

A fresh start doesn’t mean throwing caution to the wind and putting oneself in jeopardy. I can deal with this guy. I’d actually be willing to meet him again. But probably not in a dark parking lot.

Getting a fresh start means focusing on the future and what you can control. It doesn’t matter where you are. What matters is where you are going next. Life’s too short to be a victim of your own fear or grudge or anger.

Causes and Friends, Personal Growth, Simple Living

Life in the Fourth Quarter

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Guest Post by Jack Falvey

You are who you once were, even in the fourth quarter of life. Beginning at age seventeen or so, we all begin to age. We just don’t notice it. In the fourth quarter, we begin to feel it. We each have a long list of things we can no longer do. Surprisingly, there is another longer list that can only be done in the fourth quarter.

What am I going to do next?

We can read late into the night, for example, and not be concerned about being late for work or even being tired the next day, as we can sleep in without a job to worry about. We will find we can live reasonably well with less than a million dollars under financial management. Modest living can be made to fit with what we can or like to do. We can take and make old-fashioned phone calls in real time without having to make appointments to do so. We can call people to chat, and they will greatly appreciate the call. You can be lonely if you like, but pick up either a smart or not-so-bright phone and call someone whenever you like. Staying in touch is big in the fourth quarter.

You can also cross things off your to-do list without ever doing them. One aging soul had a massive collection of 35 mm slides. He was sorting them out and digitizing them. One day, he asked himself who would view them. Not being able to answer that question, he threw them all away. Project “done”. Fourth-quarter people can do things like that if they have the strength to do so.

Having time and no longer having to run through airports, or now only being able to walk slowly, you can stay healthy by walking around the block. No health club required. One word of caution about health. Don’t begin conversations with an organ recital. We all have health issues. They are ours and need not be shared. One of the best uses of fourth-quarter time is to have live, face-to-face interaction or visits with others. That has always been the case, but now we can do it regularly if we make the effort.

We all change physically, but we are still the same person we have always been. So is everyone else here with us in the fourth quarter. We are all older and now wiser. Make your own list of stuff you can and want to do. It will exceed what you once were able to do in both quality of life and the quantity of fun stuff, which will rise to the top of that list. Share that list with as many others as you can. Finding others to share things with well could be your new almost full-time job. Retirement is out of fashion. Repotting is now the new thing. Growing in your new fourth-quarter world and having fun doing it is now the thing to do. It is the latest team sport. No court or paddles required. No conditioning or training needed. Focus on others, and you will qualify for the fourth-quarter Olympics almost overnight. Is much of this a surprise? There is a long list of surprises on the way now that you know to look for them. The fourth-quarter is the big one.

Jack Falvey is one of the most widely published freelance business writers in the world. In addition to his Dow Jones Features, his work has appeared in Newsweek, The Reader’s Digest, Inc. Magazine, Sales and Marketing Magazine and even Vogue! His most recent book: “All According to Plan: it was not my plan” is available on Amazon. He is in his fourth quarter at eighty-seven years of age.

Digital Dynamics, Personal Growth, Simple Living, Teaching and Learning

More Than Toast

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During the “WordCamp” held in Europe recently, one of the reported sessions challenged attendees to map out how to make toast. One attendee reported, “Sounds simple. It isn’t. Groups within the session came up with wildly different process maps — anywhere from 3 steps to 20. Use pre-sliced bread or cut from a whole loaf? Plug in the toaster first or load the bread? How dark is dark enough — and who decides?”

And then, during my ten minutes scrolling Facebook, I encountered these questions. “If AI writes your book, designs your cover, shapes your ideas, and polishes your voice… are you still the author? We are calling it ‘writing,’ but in reality, are we witnessing the slow death of originality in publishing? Technology has always helped writers—but this new wave feels different. Where exactly do we draw the line between assisted writing and fake authorship?”

At first glance, making toast and writing books seem unrelated. But both questions force us to examine the assumptions hidden inside the words we use.

My schedule for today doesn’t leave time to overthink this, but it does leave enough time to connect the two items.

First, when teaching, we must be conscious of our assumptions. Learning should be fun, and life is the best teacher. Those who claim to teach are just here to help. We think things are obvious, but to some, they are not. When we are teaching, we need to be aware of the automatic judgment calls we’re making.

Second, vocabulary must be considered both in teaching and making those judgment calls. If you have a sophisticated toaster and use presliced bread, can you claim to be a toastmaker? Perhaps more accurately, you are a toast assembler. I remember a colleague who often said, “Words don’t mean; people give words meaning.” Vocabulary is not only important when speaking and writing. It’s important when thinking.

Hopefully, we discover that this may be a time when the questions are more important than the answers. In the Facebook post, the poster has revealed his perception or, more accurately, his bias. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but he seems to be looking for support and agreement. Most social media posters are. It’s just one reason for the lack of meaningful dialogue and the basis for keyboard wars.

Meaningful dialogue isn’t complicated, but it can be difficult. During my consulting years, I experienced this firsthand. I was working in a food processing plant, interviewing a line worker. When I asked her about her likes and dislikes, she hated how cold it was in the plant. I asked her what she did with leftovers from dinner at home. She looked incredulous but replied, “I put them in the fridge.” After making the comparison to handling food in the plant, she sincerely said, “Is that why it’s cold? I thought you kept it cold so we would work faster.”

The best learning is exploration and discovery. We don’t have to suspend judgment, but we do need to be conscious of making it.

Whether we are making toast or authoring books, core principles must be maintained. Some fundamentals must remain if we are going to produce good, edible toast and good, readable books. We may take shortcuts to get there, but the shortcut shouldn’t diminish the fact that we’re doing something worthwhile.

Just for Fun, Personal Growth, Simple Living

Unless You’re the Worm

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I recently joked with someone that part of the aging process is figuring out that some things aren’t worth much care or worry. In more traditional terms, your perspective changes. Or at least it can. There are choices and decisions involved. It may be time to make them more consciously. It’s a big opportunity that’s easily overlooked.

stick figure fishing

A friend drove home the reality of perspectives by noting, “Fishing is relaxing unless you are a worm.” It’s more than a good quote.

We don’t get to choose whether we’re the worm or the fisherperson. There are realities that can’t be ignored. But let’s not miss the opportunity of simplicity. If you want to be more relaxed, going fishing isn’t a good choice if you’re a worm.

I’ll mix my metaphors to point out that I’ve previously written you can’t become a butterfly unless you’re willing to give up being a caterpillar. That’s also more than a great quote.

A few years ago, I was gifted a kids’ book after meeting the author. Unfortunately, I gave it to the school’s library and no longer have it[i]. ”My Magic Glasses” teaches kids emotional control as the heroine has a pair of magic glasses. When she puts them on, she sees different things and sees things differently. She chooses to put them on to help her make choices. The book is pure genius.

No matter what I’m wearing for glasses, my lawn is currently looking unkept. I’d like to attribute it to “No Mow May,” but that’s less than honest. Ultimately, my lawn’s appearance is the result of some decisions I made (or didn’t make). I could offer many reasonable explanations or excuses, but there’s an overriding question of “Why should I?”

“Do it yourself” is a choice we make with at least two assumptions. One involves enjoyment and relaxation.  “I like being outside and doing yardwork.” The other is that we tend to think of ourselves as cheap and convenient labor. We don’t do a cost/benefit analysis. (Unless, like me, you occasionally enjoy overthinking things.) We’re approaching life through rationalization — something fundamentally different from assertive decision-making.

Magic glasses help us answer the simple question: “Why am I doing this?” They help us distinguish between things that need our attention and things that merely demand it. Some days, the lawn needs mowing. Other days, the lawn can wait while we go fishing—assuming, of course, that we’re not the worm.

[i] Gray, V. B. (2012). My Magic glasses. Balboa Press. Digital copies are available from Barnes & Noble and Amazon.

Amish Life, Digital Dynamics, People and Community, Simple Living

Tolerating Intolerance

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An angry Walter Boomsma

I’m fond of saying, “The only thing I can’t tolerate is intolerance.” But it’s not quite true, and I feel a need to rant.

Let’s start by noting that any arbitrary generality about the Amish is wrong. When people say, “They don’t like to be photographed,” there’s a good chance it’s true. While this is going to be about the Amish, it also isn’t. Are you confused yet?

Personally, I do not photograph people who might qualify as “Amish,” even in public places where the law might allow it. To me, the law is not the deciding factor. Just because something is legal doesn’t mean it should be done.

If we keep this simple, the odds are good that most Amish would prefer not being photographed. If one takes the time to understand the Amish mindset, it makes sense. (They aren’t worried about their souls being stolen, by the way.) One of my favorite encounters with the subject happened with an Amish man telling a group of tourists who were visiting their farm, “If you ask my permission, I’m obligated to refuse. My family definitely cannot pose. But we also won’t stop you as long as you’re discreet and respectful.”

Unfortunately, the Amish mindset and lifestyle make them photogenic and easy to exploit. A lot of people take advantage of that on social media. I don’t particularly like it, but I get it. Or at least I mostly tolerate it.

There is a Facebook User in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, who has obviously purchased a pair of Meta AI Glasses. These glasses allow her to video record her interactions with people (almost exclusively Amish in farm markets and businesses) and then post the recordings freely on Facebook. I’m angry enough not to bother raising questions about Facebook’s almost non-existent “Community Standards.”

Do we really need rules and laws to prevent what is abusive, disrespectful, and exploitive? (I know the answer is “yes,” but I want to believe there is still some level of decency in today’s society. There’s not much left on social media.) If she did this with a non-Amish kid, some parent might track her down and smash her glasses. (I’m not suggesting that, but there would be consequences.) The Amish aren’t like that, and the people who exploit them know it. I’m not sure what I will do if I encounter her the next time I’m in the Lancaster area.

But I do know this. Pennsylvania has a two-party consent law, and she is in clear violation of it. In addition, from the recordings, it is obvious she is also recording minors without consent. She has been told this with comments; she simply deletes the comments and blocks the user. A few of us are angry enough to start a grassroots movement. Properly directed public pressure can be very effective. You can also reach out to Lancaster County Crime Stoppers. They allow you to report anonymously.

Update: At least one very detailed report has been filed with the Lancaster County District Attorney’s Office by a Lancaster County Citizen. I haven’t seen anything concrete yet but it’s rumored that the e-newspaper Lancaster Online has “developed an interest.” The wheels of justice may be turning, however slowly.