Category Archives: Personal Growth

Am I Okay?

You don’t have to know me too well to know that one of my favorite questions is “Are you okay?” During this pandemic, it’s become a more important question and I’ve found myself asking people the question in various forms.

Unfortunately, I forgot to ask myself that question until recently when, I realized that, for various reasons, I was not okay. In short form, I was allowing “things” outside myself exact a mental and emotional toll that was less than healthy.

I kicked some self-care strategies into gear and am pleased to report I’m better. I’m not inclined to declare myself “okay” yet, not fully. But I’m a lot more okay than I was a month ago.

In a strange irony, the writers’ group I belong to posed some interesting survey questions recently. “What did lockdown teach you about yourself, your creativity, and your author business? For those that are now moving through the unlocking phase, what will you do differently creatively, personally and business-wise?” Since it’s a writer’s group, they were open-ended questions, not survey style.

While the pandemic is far from over, let me share with you some of the lessons I’m learning.

I’ve already at least hinted at the importance of “self-care” and asking “Am I okay?” It’s important to figure out what “centers” us–what keeps us grounded and focused. It’s about calming our emotions and slowing our minds. For me, writing is very effective and I realized that I hadn’t been. So I started writing–following my own advice regarding writer’s block. Just write. Don’t think. In the past thirty days, I’ve produced an amazing journal that, hopefully, no one will ever read. I’ll continue writing for myself but it has prepared me to start writing for others. If you haven’t noticed, this is my first blog post in some months.

Lesson 1: Ask yourself if you are okay. Spend some energy getting centered using whatever techniques work for you.

While it conflicts with the traditional writer image, I also have come to realize that human contact is important to me. While there are many times the idea of locking myself away to write, write, write, I know I wouldn’t last very long. I consider myself an introvert–that surprises many people–but I also like and need human contact. We all do. Solitary confinement is a punishment. Terms like “lockdown” and “quarantine” are troubling. If I could change the vocabulary, I wish we’d talk about physical distancing instead of social distancing.

Lesson 2: Make a conscious effort to reach across physical separation to stay close and connected to others.

When restrictions were implemented, I was teaching three real estate courses with a total enrollment of about 75 students. I’ve always said that I teach students, not courses but the reality of that became undeniable. Since we couldn’t assemble for classes, it took time and creativity to stay on track. Thus, I became acutely aware of the importance of technology as we move forward–not just through COVID-19 but through life as we know it.

There was a strange dichotomy in this–while I was physically distant from those students, I became more “intimate” with many of them as they shared their challenges… a single dad who suddenly found himself with homeschooling his three kids, a mom who works in health care and is afraid for her child who has asthma, students who found it difficult to concentrate. The list at times seemed endless.

I do not believe, as many do, that technology is a solution to most problems, but it becomes an important tool. I’m a bit amazed at how much technology I’ve adopted in the past several months. We didn’t have classes but we did have email, texting, phone calls, video conferencing, social media… I adopted the slogan that we would “stay the course.” There was never a question of what we would accomplish. We did have to keep asking how we would accomplish it.

Lesson #3 Embrace technology without making it an all or nothing proposition. Technology is a tool–it doesn’t replace anything and shouldn’t be the only tool we use.

Humans love predictability–we actually depend on it. We are currently living with a lot of uncertainty. When I started writing in an attempt to get “centered” I realized how important it is to occasionally focus on what hasn’t and won’t change. I didn’t write a list but once I started thinking about it, there’s a lot that won’t change. The law of gravity is a place to start, there’s no indication that’s going to change any time soon. It might seem silly but it’s about getting started and recognizing it’s not something you finish. It’s really about changing focus.

Personally, I’m learning to hate the phrase “new normal” almost as much as I find “we’re all in this together” annoying. While it’s true that COVID-19 affects everyone it’s equally true that it affects everyone differently. For that reason, I believe we each have the ability to largely control and develop our own “new normal.” We just have to get centered and focused, stay connected to others, and use technology and other tools as we move forward through time.

Conclusion: We do not have to be a victim of COVID-19 or anything else that comes along.

Dear Parent…

One of the educational forums I visit regularly has a recently started thread asking teachers to share the letter to homeschooling parents they wish they could write. Needless to say, there are some funny ones… and some that have quite an edge on them. After all, it’s somewhat normal to criticize teachers and blame them for behavioral issues and any lack of learning. Right now, the shoe is on the other foot.

Social media has also given rise to some funny stuff that acknowledges homeschooling may prove that the business of teaching and learning is not so easy. “If you drive by and see the kids outside and the doors locked, it’s because we’re having a fire drill.”

And the cartoons! Since Dad sometimes fills the role of “principal” I also liked the one where it’s apparent the Mom Teacher has threatened the Child Student with being sent to the Dad Principal. The child points out that the principal is sitting on the couch in his underwear.

It’s great that we’re having fun with this… and it may turn out that parents end up with a greater appreciation for teachers and the school environment. I hope so because I don’t think we fully appreciate some of the advantages the school environment provides.

One of the big ones is that schools are designed as a learning environment–learning is the norm and it’s an obvious expectation. Everything from the furniture to what’s hanging on the walls in the classroom is about learning. When you walk into a school building there is no doubt over what is going on inside

If I were writing to parents about the current situation, I’d be tempted to ask a question, particularly to those who are finding homeschooling a challenge. Is your home a learning environment?

I’m not suggesting that homes should look like a school, although for homeschooling there should be some specific physical learning areas if that’s possible. I am asking whether or not learning–and the value and fun of learning come through clearly.

A downside of “school,” is that some kids come to “hate” it. I wrote a piece a while back about an adult student who advised that she was “sick of learning.” (.) I sincerely hoped she was sick of being taught–that’s fundamentally different. There’s a difference. Learning is a natural process that we instinctively embrace. One of my classroom rules is that we are going to enjoy learning. Or at least try!

Learning should be about curiosity, exploration, and fun. Those are things that shouldn’t be limited to a classroom. In fact, the classroom has a disadvantage on this point. Due to the need for assessments and grades, it’s easy to lose sight of the fun.

When I’m teaching adults one of the more fun things is when parents share stories about how their kids view the parent’s learning. There’s a connection that can lead to some funny things. Sharing is important because it makes learning natural. I will always remember the Mom who arrived for a class starting with a quiz. She said that her young son warned her before she left, “Mom if you don’t pass today, there will be no electronics for the week.” He was quite serious. While it was funny, it also means that quizzes and tests are part of the family environment. And so are the consequences! Creating a learning environment can be as simple as a kid who sees Mom or Dad reading. Learning becomes a way of life.

I remember once being behind a woman towing a toddler through a store. The toddler was in the “why?” stage which can be very tiring. When he asked his question, Mom replied with her own question, “What do you think?”

There’s a lot to like about that response. It reflects that thinking is valued. It acknowledges that curiosity and exploration are a way of life. A child being raised in that environment will learn.

So if homeschooling is a current challenge, remember to teach the joy of learning–don’t just do worksheets and follow schedules. Kids may not want to sit down and complete worksheets and other tasks but they are curious and they will enjoy learning if we give them the chance.

While you’re washing…

I’m chuckling a bit at the number of posts and emails that include the reminder to “wash your hands.” Since it’s likely that most folks are remembering that task, I have a different reminder for you. While washing your hands, consider using the same 20 seconds to “wash” your head and heart.

While some may question whether or not we are overestimating the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic, I’m concerned that we are underestimating the mental and emotional impact. Therefore, I’m recommending we engage in some “mental and emotional hygiene” to accompany the physical.

This is truly a catastrophic event with a lot of uncertainty. What makes it different than most is that it’s gone on for a while now and is very likely to continue. It is very easy to get focused on the “problem” and the uncertainties. Before we know it, we find ourselves feeling anxious and perhaps depressed.

We may not be able to solve the problem or correct all the uncertainties but we can change how we are thinking about them. When we get caught in the wrong focus we are no longer problem-solving, we are just chewing on the problem. (Guy Winch calls this “ruminating”–more about that later.)

Since it’s easy to end up there, I’m suggesting we let our physical hygiene practice remind us to do some emotional hygiene. While washing our hands, let’s remember to do a quick check of our state of mind. Over the past few days, I’ve found it necessary to do just that! During those 20 seconds, we can remind ourselves that we may need to boost our own self-esteem and remind ourselves that humans have come through many catastrophes, trials, and tribulations. We’ll get through this.

This is sometimes achieved through “centering” — a technique for remaining grounded, calm and relaxed in the face of stress. We may not be able to control the world around us but we can manage ourselves. While most people wouldn’t associate handwashing with centering, some simple techniques include deep breathing, meditation, music, and distraction. Different things work for different people, so you may choose to experiment. At a minimum, every time you wash up, remember to lighten up. Take a few deep breaths and look at the world differently.


Five Ways to Improve Your Emotional Health is an excellent article in Psychology Today by Guy Winch. It’s a quick read and doesn’t include any clinical mumbo jumbo. It also includes a link to his TED Talk which I highly recommend! There’s also a link to it on the of this website.

Cows, Corn, and Calm

As I rounded the corner on the winding country road, I was greeted by a small herd of cows standing in the way, looking at me with big eyes. Here I was traveling through rural Ohio, headed to a consulting assignment dressed in a suit and tie. But having been raised in the country I knew you don’t just drive around bovines standing on the pavement looking both guilty and smug.

It wasn’t disappointing that the closest farmhouse belonged to an Amish Family. When I announced the escape, the farmer sighed and quickly clarified “They’re not mine—they belong to a neighbor down the road.” Since he was grabbing his hat as he spoke it was apparent I wasn’t being dismissed. “I’ll give you a hand,” I offered. “I’ve rounded up escaped livestock before.”

On the way to the scene of the crime, he chatted amiably. “You know,” he said, “not all of us Amish are great farmers. My neighbor doesn’t keep his fences mended and doesn’t pay much attention to a lot of things.” I noticed his tone wasn’t critical or angry—it was more just a statement of fact. “This happens a lot… we’re used to it… lots of people don’t realize the Amish are just as human as everyone else.”

We made short order of returning the wayward critters to their pasture and rigged a temporary fix to the broken fence. I noticed everything was actually calm and relaxed in a matter-of-fact way. When he thanked me, it wasn’t profuse but it was sincere.

That was over thirty years ago. I’m sorry I can’t remember his name but in retrospect, by his very few words and example, he taught me a deep appreciation of the Amish mindset. It’s hard to describe it in a few sentences, but “we’re sorta used to it” is a start. Some things just are. You expect the neighbor’s cows to break through a weak fence. You also expect another “neighbor” (even though he’s not Amish and is dressed in a suit) to help.

Gelassenheit is a German word often used to describe that spirit of humility, modesty, and informality that lies at the heart of the Amish way of life. It’s a calm acceptance of the world as it is and not as we think it should be. It is not an easy concept to understand and it is even more difficult to adopt and practice. It sounds fatalistic but for the Amish, it’s “God’s will be done.”

During a recent visit to a favorite Amish owned and operated bookstore in Pennsylvania—the Gordonville Bookstore, I opted to pay cash, even though it appeared credit cards would be accepted. Not only did I decide to pay cash, I decided to find the exact change. This proved a challenge as I dug through pockets and the Mrs. scrounged around in the bottom of her handbag… “We need another dime… now a penny…” The Amish girl waiting on us showed no impatience. When we found the last penny and I handed it to her, I looked heavenward and shouted, “It was meant to be!” This put our Amish cashier into a fit of laughter! I’d thought about shouting “Gelassenheit!” but didn’t want to mispronounce or misuse it. Given her reaction to “It was meant to be,” I suspect I’d have been on safe ground.

After all, “we’re just as human as everyone else.” A few days later, we visited an Amish owned and operated dry goods store—Fisher’s Housewares and Fabrics. Other than the hissing of the propane lanterns, it’s one of the quietest (and calmest) stores around. It was actually quite busy—mostly Amish shoppers, mothers with young children and preteens looking at fabric to make their own clothes. No one was yelling at the clerks because they couldn’t find things. No clerks were following people around offering to help, either. They expect customers will ask if they need help. Customers expect clerks will help if asked. It’s just the way it is and should be.

A small cluster of us was standing in line—actually it was a bit of a semicircle so we were all facing each other—waiting to pay for our purchases. Suddenly, from directly behind me came the loud strain of a rather lively country-western song. (I never did figure out where it came from.) Every Amish eye in that semicircle seemed to look at me. I instinctively cried, “I didn’t do it!” This evoked a few smiles, especially from the children.

It was a catchy tune and since some of the kids were watching I found myself tempted to engage in some exaggerated soft shoe until I remembered that dancing is verboten among the Amish. But I noticed one of the older children was looking at me with dancing eyes. Her expression seemed to say, “I know you’re tempted. I am too. We’re all human.” I’m proud to report that I might have swayed a bit but I didn’t yield to the temptation and neither did she.

We’re regular visitors to “Amish Country” and we accurately can be labeled “tourists.” But we try not to think and act like tourists. We think of ourselves as guests among some very special people and we hope they enjoy our visit. We certainly do enjoy it but we also always learn.  I’ve joked that our visits mostly involve “Cows, Corn, and Calm” with a big emphasis on calm.

I’m certain I’ll never fully understand “Gelassenheit” but I’m trying because I see how it affects me. When I find myself behind a slow traveling horse-drawn buggy I’m not so quick to get upset. We’re going the same way. I almost hate to pass when it’s safe. But the car behind me, clearly annoyed and frustrated, is tailgating and making it apparent that in the driver’s mind, this is not the way it’s supposed to be. I think perhaps it is—particularly if there’s a young Amish child leaning out the back of the buggy.

When I’m behind a buggy I often think of my cow-herding Amish friend. Some things you just take in stride because they simply are—they are not “bad” or “good” in and of themselves. Gelassenheit. Stay calm, look at the cows and corn. We’re all just human and we really are all headed in the same direction.

Anyone can save a life


September is Suicide Prevention Month! And, yes, anyone can save a life. I asked Paul Stearns, Representative for Maine District 119, if I could repost the following article from his E-Newsletter. While it emphasizes the point that health care providers often have an opportunity to intervene, anyone can. let me call your attention to the Suicide Safer Care Portal mentioned in the article. I’ll be adding this Portal to the resource page of this site as it is a gateway to some great resources. Note also that I am teaching several Suicide Awareness and Prevention 90-minute courses in the the near future. You can save a life!


To mark National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month in September, the Maine Center for Disease Control and Prevention (Maine CDC) is sharing the message that suicide prevention is up to all of us, and that anyone can save a life. Maine CDC promotes the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s #BeThe1To campaign (www.BeThe1To.com) and encourages individuals to recognize and intervene when someone they know may be at risk of suicide.

Support for Mainers at risk of suicide is critical. Since 1999, suicide death rates have increased in nearly every state, rising more than 30% in half the states. In Maine, suicide death rates increased by 27% from 1999 through 2016, and suicide is the second leading cause of death among Maine youth and adults ages 10-35. Family members, friends, and co-workers can all play a critical role by helping find care and support for those struggling with thoughts of suicide.

“Asking someone if they are thinking about killing themselves does not increase their risk of attempting suicide,” said Maine CDC Director Nirav D. Shah. “For someone contemplating suicide, knowing that someone cares and can connect them to help may be the thing that saves their life.”

“The statistics regarding youth suicide are alarming,” said Dr. Todd Landry, Director of Maine’s Office of Child and Family Services, which oversees child welfare and children’s behavioral health services. “Suicide is more common among vulnerable youth, so I encourage adults to engage with the youth in their lives – talk to them, ask them questions, and connect with them. For a youth who is struggling, that connection to a trusted adult who loves and cares about them can have tremendous importance.”

Doctors and counselors have a chance to intervene with those at risk. Sixty-four percent of people who attempt suicide visit their doctor in the month before their attempt and 38% do so in the week before. The Maine CDC is promoting the Suicide Safer Care Training Portal (sweetser.academy.reliaslearning.com/), a resource developed in partnership with the Sweetser Training Institute, to help providers reduce the risk of suicide among people in their care. This resource offers free, evidence-based online training in suicide risk screening, intervention, treatment, and support.

“Screening and high-quality care for suicide risk should be as routine as screening and caring for a person with diabetes,” said Director Shah. “People need to know it is a sign of strength to say they are struggling, and that help is available.”

If you are thinking about suicide or are aware of someone who is, reach out for help. Contact the Maine Crisis Hotline at 1-888-568-1112 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.